One day everything will be gone and there will be only peace. One day I will be dead. Neither of those are to happen soon. I survived, and at least for today I feel as though everything else is moving faster around me. I can't quite explain the feeling, only thing I can do is provide a visual. Imagine those movies where the main character seems in sort of a haze. Everything around him is blurred and moving at a faster pace than he is. That is how I feel. All of life is moving at a faster speed. I can't explain any better than that. In a brief second I knew everything was okay. That there was no reason to be concerned. All I had to do was act accordingly. Give them what they want and they will leave me alone. I feel violated after the event. I feel as though something else were taken from me. Something intangible. But then again, so was my fear. My fear was an intangible concept that I use to describe my emotion at that moment. I don't know if it was a legitimate fear. They had guns. Would I fear a gun if it wasn't something I knew about. Would I fear guns if I had no concept of what they were. I am overwhelmed how once I knew there were these two instruments of death pointed directly at me. A small semi has little purpose than to cause death and harm. I feel like I imagine aquarium fish must feel. Almost unaware that their environment is a false world, they must somewhere be sure that this is not how it really goes. How life is suppose to go on for us. Once in a very long while a net comes through and takes the fish away. I feel like I just saw that net pass by me, narrowly missing, yet close enough to rub several scales off the side of my belly. Those scale, as do the belongings taken from me, can be replaced. I miss my scales though. They weren't special, but they were mine. how very useless it seems now...

So... an entry should be about something right? There should be some reason I am writing. It should be about something. So the topic shall be "Love." What is is anyway? I know what I think it is, but what is it to you? I'm sure it's different for everyone, but in my world, by my definitions, love is this inescapble feeling of ephoria. It's the feeling of total security, knowing everything from that point on will be okay, it's the feeling of worthiness, knowing every crappy and shitty thing you had to endure in life was meant for that moment, it's a warm gray fuzz that fills your entire being with pleasure, like when you fall asleep in the perfect position in the perfect place with your favorite blanket enveloping your physical being. Love is too hard to describe and these are a pale comparison to the real thing. I can't explain any better than that, but I think that the feeling when you meet someone you just know will make you happy and you are over taken by a glow from within that quickly spreads out through your system, like an adrenaline rush, only a very calming and wonderful feeling, that's love, or at least the first signs of it. Why of all times do I speak of love now? Why not? I'm sure I have my reasons about it, but you'll never know them. Some moments need not be remembered, just savored and enjoyed while they last. I guess I just had one of those moments today.

I was on the greatest happy vibe. An overall sense of well being. While it is true that I was tired from the ceaseless hours at work, I at least found a little time to  myself. When I got back from some seriuosly serene I went back to work. I found out that I can be just so damn good at my job when I'm in that feeling. I was just so happy with everything for some reason. I like that feelung.

This would be my first attempt at a blog. Others have done so, I figure, why not. Join in with the herd. I long to be one of those lemmings that jump off the cliff just because some of the others are doing so. Well, okay, maybe this isn't the case. Maybe I just had nothing better to do and writing down my thoughts on all thisngs in the form of an Internet based journal seemed like a good idea. I warn all that read my blog though, never will I properly place paragraphs in their proper form. Sometimes I'll just write continuously and forget the notion of the enter key.

Sometimes I will remember that the enter key exists. Case in point. Oh, and I will ramble. This is how I write. Now, ground rules have been set, at least the ones I feel like mentioning, onto writing.

I don't understand people. I don't think anyone does really, but then again, I could be wrong. Maybe there is a sage out there who can know exactly what it is that makes a person behave and think the way they do. I do my best at trying to understand those people that I know, but it feels so useless sometimes. I think it is better for me to concede defeat, at least on this matter. There will never be a point in my life in which I can fully understand the workings of someone elses mind. I have a hard enough time trying to manage my own thoughts. I feel that the only person I will ever understand to any degree worth even mentioning will be the one I love. Who that person is I do not yet know, but I hope it's someone I've already met, cause I've met some cool people in my life time. If not, new things are always interesting to say the least. Speaking of love and life, I believe that without loving myslef I can not expect someone to love me. Yes, I'll admit it, my self esteem is not the highest in the world. My pride is sure up there and easily bruised no less, but my esteem hits new lows every other week. I makes me do the stupid and hurtful things I do not enjoy doing. I like certain things about me, but hate far more. These are issues that have been a long battle that I never seem to gain ground in. I guess it's part of my nature, but I refuse to believe that. I am a dreamer. I only believe that people are capable of great things. Yes, these perceptions can be altered, but usually when I meet someone, the first thing I think is, " this person might be cool." I feel though I am being dissappointed left and right by those I used to think were the so thought "cool people. I guess things just change sometimes. How I'll manage to keep this xanga thing going is a mystery to me. Anyhow, I know I am capable of great things, and I have faith in that. Faith is something that has become somewhat a current issue. I have now gone to church twice with my brother, although I must have insane timing, or it is the work of the cosmos protecting me from their brainwashery, but neither time was any real service held. At least a service which could be geared toward me wasn't held. Anyhow, I suppose next time is supposedly having one, but apparently my timing has just been off. I don't know if christianity is the right religion for me, or even if any religion period is right for me, but I do have faith. Faith that is not rooted in some book written by some so called prophets, my faith is rooted in my belief that life is the physical incarnation of hope. I have faith in life, that in the end everything works out the way it was meant as long as you believe in life. That there is no cosmic unbalance meant to bear down on you and make every day shittier than the last. I have faith in people I love and humanity ain general. The way I see it thinking there is no hope for humanity, that all life will end in the near future due to our resource draining, nature harming, power hungry ways, in not a very good way to see things. If that were really your view, why not end it all now? What is the point? That's why I have faith. As far as religion is concerned, what can I say? The only religion that makes any sense to me is buddhism. I don't agree with all aspects of it I'm sure, but there is enough there that I do believe in for me to consider it a religion I can claim I am a member of. I really dislike ending in prepositions like this. In any case, If I do continue to write tonight it is time for a break now. It's sort of a good feeling that my thought are being recorded somewhere and possibly becoming known to someone else as it comes straight from my mind. Another rule, I will usually not ever bother to plan out my thoughts prior to writing, never seems to help. I like my thoughts coming out in a jumbled mess.